If You Don’t Handle This, You’re Toast
I Threw this Book Away
Have you ever picked up a self-help book only to find you weren’t ready to go there yet? It happened to me in my thirties when I first tried to read Courage to Heal by Ellen Bass and Laura Davis. People praised it for how much it helped them. I read a few pages then skipped to the exercises telling myself, I need to heal. I want to heal. Am I ready? I know I WANT to be ready. My breath started coming in small pants. I was on the verge of having a mini-panic attack. I slammed the book shut, walked over to the wastebasket, and I threw it in. Not only wasn’t I ready, I was terrified.
McMartin Preschool Scandal
The McMartin Preschool child molestation case was in full swing in 1985, the year we accepted Dian Fossey’s invitation to Rwanda. A parent had accused teachers of molesting her son. Other interviewed children in the school created more accusations, though eventually, the teachers were all acquitted. It was on the news almost nightly. But what brought it home was, McMartin Preschool was in Manhattan Beach, California, where I lived, in-my-face. I drove by the boarded-up school building several times a week. It served as a constant reminder I had unfinished work to do. The one good thing that came out of the case was, for the first time, it gave survivors the courage to talk about childhood sexual abuse (CSA). Some told a trusted family member, others told a friend. I told my husband and daughter.
Adult Manifestations of CSA
Fast forward to the present day and the writing of Voices from the Mist, The Last Days of Dian Fossey. During my research, I discovered Dian had been molested as a child. If it goes untreated, the problem evolves into adult manifestations such as self-neglect, insomnia, phobias, shame, alcoholism, guilt, asthma, control issues, etc. That’s why I said, “if you don’t handle this, you’re toast.” CSA doesn’t go away by itself.
My “Why?”
Writing about Dian’s difficulties with relationships, feelings of betrayal, and inability to forgive, forced me to face my own monsters. In my fiction writing classes, they said every book should have a “why,” meaning a deeper purpose than just getting a book published. I was shocked when I finally excavated my why for writing Voices from the Mist. It’s to help others survive, heal and thrive from CSA. Whether it’s to read a self-help book, join a support group, catch a podcast, or seek out a therapist who specializes in CSA.
But I can’t suggest anyone else take that first step without having begun my own healing journey. I love audiobooks, and so my first baby step was to listen to a softer, gentler book, Homecoming by John Bradshaw. His voice is soothing as he breaks down the stages of life and shows how without help, we’re doomed to repeat our mistakes over and over again. He delicately walks you through a few exercises, including meditations, to connect you with your inner child. I wrote a letter to my deceased parents (with my non-dominant hand) telling them what I needed from them, what I didn’t get from them, and how it affected my life.
It was a moving and healing experience. Homecoming is very digestible at only three and a half hours long on Audible. I recommend this unintimidating place to start if you know someone ready to heal or if you’re on a healing journey. If you are, I get you. Maybe we can support each other along the way.
Just the Stats Ma’am
There are 42 million CSA survivors in the U.S. Statistics vary slightly. Still, one in four girls and one in six boys suffer molestation, most before the age of eight — in reported cases alone. That’s 14% of the population. A child is 20% more likely to be molested if a mother remarries or has a live-in boyfriend. With stats like that, we all know someone who has been molested. Experts say we can eliminate an astounding 97% of CSA cases through education.
I’m Back at It
I ordered a digital copy of Courage to Heal on Audible Books and listened to a bit as I was falling asleep last night. I believe I’m ready to tackle it again. I’ll let you know how it goes.
Resources
Homecoming: Reclaiming and Healing Your Inner Child
National Center for Victims of Crime | Child Sexual Abuse Statistics
Darkness to Light
Child Sexual Abuse Statistics | The Magnitude of the Problem
Be Your Own Hero
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